I’m easily irritated and angry recently: Pre-graduation anxiety

by - 9:09 AM

14th, March, 2017
As far as I can remember, there was one, and only one, way to adult life. Go to college, sit for RCSE, get through, get a job, live. And then maybe write freelance if I had the time. That’s kind of what the ones ahead of me in the family have done, minus the writer part, and they’re doing great right now. Now it’s my turn. And I have never felt so confused in my entire life.
Only a few days ago, I was one-hundred percent sure I’d sit for RCSE at the end of this semester. I’d even begun preparing for it – emailing teachers and friends for materials I could study, feeling guilty for wasting time painting nails and sitting idle by the electric heater etc. I also signed up for the free Preliminary course the college offers.
Then last Saturday after I and my roommate got weary of playing in the first snowfall and taking pictures that would later get filtered and go on social media, we went inside the cafeteria to eat our brunch. That’s where I met Mr. Jeroen. I said hi, he said hello. He asked me what I’d done during the winter break and I told him that I was kind of studying for RCSE. He looked at me all surprised. “Why you of all people, Kezang, would worry about RCSE?” he asked. I told him that I sucked at Dzongkha. That’s a pretty solid reason to be terrified of the RCSE.    
Well that wasn’t exactly what he meant though. He wanted to know why someone like me, a creativity craver, would want to be stuck in bureaucracy for the rest of my life. I said that I’d wanna have a stable job while I wrote. That’s a pretty good reason, right? Right? Only he wasn’t convinced. I half-heartedly told him that I’d think about it.
And now, it’s like I thought I had everything figured out, but all of a sudden what Mr. Jereon said that afternoon has somehow struck a chord.
I have always known that I didn’t belong in the ordinary. I’ve always wanted to be different, do things in ways others normally wouldn’t. So is this the life I’d choose for me? I don’t know. I don’t know. The idea of that little voice in your head has never seemed more real to me. I’m unsure mostly of venturing into the unknown, kind of a strange feeling for a fiction lover to have. But it’s not like I’m a professional writer. I just write because I get these unrelenting daydreams. What if okay I do leave the familiar behind and then I fail? I wouldn’t have anything to fall back on. I’d very much like to not care about Mondays because what I do is just too great, but I’d also wanna have something to fall back on if I fail.

It’s that time of your life when you know what you want to do, but have no freaking idea what to do. I’m so easily frustrated these days. I pretty much ignore half the class because I can’t stand their petty dramas. Like other people don’t have more important things to worry about. In fact, the very reason I’m writing this right now is because I just fell out with a friend and I need distraction. He kept calling but I’m in a really bad mood today and I don’t wanna talk.
We had Career Fair today. One of the representatives from an institution said that we’re not in a position to complain about nepotism, even if it’s prevalent. The only thing that we can do is start taking our future seriously. Did. Not. Help. I as good as stopped listening after that.
It sucks to have dreams. It sucks even more when you’re graduating in two months, and you live in a place where youth unemployment is a reality. I just wish I was intelligent enough to easily get through RCSE and would be content with a government job. My life would have been so much less complicated. But guess what, I suck in Dzongkha, and hate studying for something as elusive as the RCSE.
I want to be an artist. And happy. Maybe find love. I don’t know.
Let’s talk happy.
Five years from now, I want to live in a cozy apartment, sipping at a cup of hot chocolate, with a beautiful dog and some fifty thousand views on my YouTube videos. Well yeah, I want to be a Youtuber. Did I ever tell you that? I think I’ll be good at it. I’m naturally dramatic and expressive. Also camera doesn’t scare me, although I haven’t had much experience. And I like to talk. I should be good. I’ll vlog about Bhutan. I’ll talk about our beautiful culture and pristine environments, and okay issues like garbage disposal and shit too. I’ll travel, I’ll DIY, bake cakes, make clothes, review books, travel some more, make new friends, try make-ups on an unfortunate boyfriend, talk about my dog etc. I want to be a successful paid Youtuber. I think I’ll be very happy.
I want to write. I want to travel and do travelogues. I want to go to places and write stories. I want to meet new people who’ll inspire interesting characters. I want to sit under a Sakura tree and write about that tall spectacled guy who owns the café round the corner, and who adorably stutters when he speaks. I want to work for magazines that inspire people, and bring out the best in them. Not those that standardize lifestyle and appearances, and make people feel inadequate. I want to draw. I want to sit outside the spectacled guy’s café and paint a group of teenagers clad in pink anime clothing.
I want to go over at my best friends’ places and watch movies we’ll scream over. I want to see them fall in love. I want to listen to songs and daydream. I want to eat chocolates and read books and kiss my boyfriend and be happy.
I think I’ll give RCSE a shot. The best way I can.  

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